My heart has been physically aching for the past month since the breakup with Isaac. The pain has been overwhelming and, at times, paralyzing. I have felt mostly despair and confusion given the lack of clarity around the end of our two year relationship. How could he tell me that he'd do whatever it took to make the relationship work, but then abandon me without a real explanation?
We were friends before we started dating, So, I feel like my best friend died. I feel and see his absence every where and almost everything that I do. In everything that I touch and see. My home has felt like a mausoleum and I see his silhouette in every room of the house. When I do sleep its broken by dreams of him. I wake up in the middle of the night trying to wiggle closer to someone who isn't there and doesn't want to be there. Once the realization hits, my heart shatters once more...
I have friends and family rotating through to keep me company and help me to maintain my sanity and motivation to get through the day to day. I am finally eating again, but I'm not the hungry hippo that I once was. It took three weeks for me to go grocery shopping, four weeks for me to make my first meal since he left. And, it's hard not to miss his cooking too because he could throw down.
Work has been tough, to say the least. But, I'm just trying to take each day as it comes. There are great days and there are days that I'm not sure that I am going to survive.
Am I only seeing the positives in the relationship? Absolutely not. There were things that frustrated me, but the good definitely outweighed any bad. I loved him, completely. Unfortunately, he didn't love me the same way. That's life, I guess... You can never be certain how anything will or won't turn out.
Tumbling out of the plane was like a defibrillator for my broken heart. It jump started me. Jolted me back to life. Not to say that it's been 100% easier since my feet were back on solid ground, but it did give me a healthy dose of perspective. There's a big world out there. And, a lot more life to live.