Now... I'm learning to live in the pause... to breathe in the yellow light. To yield. I'm learning to live with loud buzzing of the pause in my ears. It'd usually become so unbearable that it had to be muffled with... something. Mostly paper mâché love. The buzzing sometimes is replaced by the chatter and clutter in my mind, the occupants of my brutal imagination. The garden of my imagination is overgrown with thorny, inky, gnarled branches of abuse, sadness, abandonment, loss, and unanswered questions. What I wouldn't give to feel safe again. To get a good night's rest...
Slowly, I have begun to cultivate my garden. I have cut back the thorns and planted some beautiful irises. I'm rebuilding my retaining walls that have been frequently destroyed by reckless and immature boys that I let have access to my sacred space.
I realize that life doesn't always have to happen exactly as I would want it to or on my timeline. I'm learning to live in the zone between joy and pain, laughter and tears, love and hate. I'm learning to live in the loneliness and discomfort. I'm learning to be honest with myself and others, no matter how painful that truth might be. I'm just f*cking learning. Every day. I fight with the yogi in me to because I want to eliminate harmful thoughts about myself and others, but I find that people are, quite often, disappointing and self-interested. And, I am settling into accepting that as a part of life.
In the moment between breaths there is clarity. I grasp for it, but it usually flutters away just as quickly as it appeared. I know that I need to stop fighting myself and just.. be. Only then will the understanding rest on my shoulder.